Miracles and Stories and Articles of Inspiration: January 2012

The Groany Old Jokes

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a

vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that"

says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to

inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

My girlfriend thinks that Im a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my

girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at

the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband: "Youre always pushing me around and

talking behind my back".

He says: "What do you expect? Youre in a wheelchair".

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get

reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said: "I would like to come back as a cow".

I said: "You're obviously not listening".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering

years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".

She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing

but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw

20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis

tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for

the show......

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his

face light up when he opened it.

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him

over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my

house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with

2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered

again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I

was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a

coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I

thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was

refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for

the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not

understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi

Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went

to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I

thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver.

was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to

myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.